(I wrote this ten years ago while at university. It has very graphic rape scenes in, so please don’t read if it disturbs you too much. At the time my sister was a volunteer with a rape helpline, and I did a lot of research for this story to be as shocking and realistic as possible.)
Bound to Hate
25th March 2004
Dear rapist,
My earliest memory is of you. Your voice through the bedroom wall demanding my mother to behave and suck your cock. She would gasp, but never scream. You would grunt a lot.
When I was twelve something different happened.
“Remember your promise, Glenna-chan,” you said.
“I know, but I’m exhausted!”
There was a loud thud from your room, then footsteps.
“Yuri, darling, are you awake?” You opened my door, peered in, then strode towards the bed and grabbed my arm.
“Let go of her!” Mum screamed, running into the room.
“Remember what I told you in the hospital, Glenna-chan. If I don’t get it from you, I will come in here.”
I had started crying. Just like the incident two years before, all I could do was cry.
And all my mother could do was obey.
February 2nd, 1988. Tokyo, Japan
Ever since she had first visited her friend’s home three years ago, she had known him as Haruka’s older brother. Glenna would often be invited to their house for dinner and he’d be at the table with them. His work suit was immaculate but his table manners were awful.
“Glenna-chan, please pass the soy sauce.” He commanded, his noodles hanging half-way to his mouth, one falling off and splashing into his ramen bowl.
“Soy sauce on noodles?” She scoffed, passing it. His hand closed around her fingers a moment before taking the bottle from her. His eyes never left hers.
Glenna watched him set the soy sauce next to his bowl, but he never used it. His eyes stayed fixed on her.
Haruka finished her ramen at last, eating the last piece of fish cake, and Glenna held back a sigh of relief when her friend grabbed her schoolbag to go upstairs.
He was still watching when they left the room.
“Damn, I forgot to take that book back,” Haruka sighed, digging around in her bag and pulling it out.
“You can still make it before the library closes,” Glenna said, not looking up from her English homework. She found she memorised the language better when sitting on the floor, book in lap. She would hunch over to read, then sit up and close her eyes before repeating the sentences out loud.
Glenna found this technique worked better at Haruka’s house, sat on her lavender-carpeted floor. The sliding door was covered with butterfly cut-outs, while the walls were decorated with unicorn and forest paintings. Beneath them was the hint of lavender paint. The bed was a single, with a dream catcher hanging from the ceiling above it. The other side of the room housed the heated low-table, it’s heavy blanket folded neat and out of the way.
“Aren’t you coming?” Haruka whined, stuffing the book back in her school bag.
“Masahiro will be there. I wouldn’t want to be a third wheel.” Glenna laughed, looking up to see her friend’s red face.
“Just stay in here then. Mum and Dad are out but they’ll be back in half an hour. I don’t want them knowing anything, so I’ll come back before that.”
“Fine, I’ll finish this English work. We can start our geometry under the kotatsu when you get back. I’m freezing.”
“If you love it so much why don’t you get your own?”
“Father thinks they’re too self-indulgent and promote laziness. Hurry up and go flirt so I can steal your heated table!”
Five minutes after Haruka had left the house her brother peered into the room.
“Glenna-chan, all alone?”
She glared at him. “Don’t call me that; I’m not a little kid.”
“No, sixteen now aren’t you?” He stalked into the room and set himself down next to her. “A young woman.”
His eyes roamed over her school uniform, a white blouse with a green skirt. His hand gripped her bare leg, and slid up to her outer thigh.
“What the hell are you doing!” Glenna screamed, pushing him away.
His grip on her leg tightened enough to bruise the flesh. “I’ve been watching you for years now, waiting for your body to blossom.”
He pushed her down on top of her books. She kicked out at him with her free leg and her arms, trying to prevent him from straddling her. His grip on her leg moved, instead he grabbed her long hair, his fingers scraping her scalp. Her mouth was half open to scream, but a punch cut her lip and shocked her into silence.
“Be quiet now. It is time I claimed my property.”
He’d ripped off her blouse before she’d recovered enough to struggle. One of his hands groped at her breasts through her bra, while the other went back to her leg, reaching to pull at her pants.
Glenna grabbed her English book and swung at him, smacking him across the face. The collision made him drop off her, cursing. She kicked him in the stomach then scrambled to her feet and ran to the door.
She’d made it into the hallway before his body slammed into her. Her right shoulder collided with the wall. She winced at the painful position while his vice-grip grabbed her left shoulder, forcing her body to face him and pinning her wrists by pressing them into the wall.
“I won’t let you go.” His breath was hot on her face; his skin so close she could see small blackheads.
“Get off me!”
His body was pressed against her. She barely had room to kick at his shin. He retaliated by punching the side of her face, dragging her back to the room and throwing her on the bed.
Another slap as he climbed on top of her. With one hand clamped around her throat, he squeezed so hard she could only take shallow breaths. Glenna focused on her breathing.
He slid off her white pants.
Breathe in. The pop of a button, the scraping of a zipper.
Breathe out. The ruffling of clothes and the slump of boxers hitting the floor.
His hand let go of her throat. She took in air and coughed, feeling something on her inner thigh. It was warm but hard, poking at her skin and rubbing against her pubic hair. Then it steadied its course and pushed, forcing her insides to stretch so it could invade.
She felt like part of her was being ripped. All she could do was scream.
***
25th March 2004
Dear rapist,
I walked in on that incident when I was ten. I’d come home from school as normal, and you were there. Why had you come home early from Grandfather’s company? I suppose it doesn’t matter.
You were in the living room, on the dark red mat I used to love laying on because it was so soft and fluffy.
You were saddled naked on Mum’s chest. Your arms reached behind you to stop her legs kicking. Your legs were on either side of her body, pressing down and trapping her arms. You were waving your male thing in her face, trying to aim it at her closed mouth.
“Open up Glenna-chan. It’s your job to ease my stress.” One of your hands let go of a leg. She kneed your back.
I wanted to make a noise when you punched her nose. I should have been louder coming in. Maybe you would have stopped. She wouldn’t have needed to open her mouth to breathe and I wouldn’t have seen you shove your thing in her mouth.
And Mum wouldn’t have noticed me watching. Unable to stop watching.
Her eyes were so full of shame I started crying. Huge ugly sobs.
“You fucking bitch!” You yelled, springing off her. Blood was coming out of your thing. There was blood on her mouth too.
“It’s okay sweetie, it’s okay.” Mum took me in her arms, shielding me from you.
All I could do was cry in my ugly way while you hit her. All I could do was stay with Aunt Haruka, a brilliant and dedicated lawyer, while you were both in hospital.
It’s okay, she’d said then. She still says it.
February 2nd, 1988. Tokyo, Japan.
Glenna had felt an ice cold calm possess her, locking up all emotion and letting her form rational thoughts. Even if he was still banging into her body.
Her gaze was fixed to the door as he grunted on top of her, hearing the slap of his balls hitting her flesh everytime he impaled her. The pain didn’t register anymore.
There was a sound of sliding doors opening. The man grunted his release, his sticky substance filling her and dribbling out, staining the lavender covers.
“We’re back!”
Glenna shoved at him, rolling off the bed and running into the hallway to the entrance hall. She heard two gasps as she flung herself behind Haruka’s parents.
“Please keep him away!” She gripped onto the back of Miko-san’s coat, resting her swollen face on its fabric.
“What an earth happened here?” Sorata-san looked up to see his son walk into the entrance, his suit changed and immaculate.
“Glenna-chan and I were just having some fun.”
“Fun? Look at her face! What did you do?”
“I made her mine.” He grabbed his shoes and placed them on, calm. “When she’s ready to continue, she can come find me in my new place.”
“You’re certainly not welcome here anymore! How could I have raised such a son!”
“See you soon, Glenna-chan,” he grinned, leaving.
The entrance hall was silent after the front door slid closed. Sorata-san ran a hand through his hair, letting out a shaky breath.
“Glenna, I’m so-”
“Can you call my father? Mum will be out with her sewing group.”
“O-of course! I’ll call him right away.”
“You need to call his work number. The company got an increase in shipping orders and he has to do overtime, sort out the administrational side.”
“Yes, of course.”
Miko-san tried to turn and face Glenna, but she stubbornly held her grip on the back of the coat. The ice calm was still there, and she needed it to stay.
“I don’t need your comfort or pity.”
Haruka arrived back with a serene smile on her face that was quickly wiped away.
“Glenna? Oh God, what happened?”
Her friend was stood in the living room, her face a bloody mess, her school uniform ripped with dried semen staining the skirt. A glazed look was on her face, but it changed when she looked into her friend’s eyes.
“I-I…” She stuttered, her entire body trembling. “I n-need to go to the hospital. P-preserve the evidence.”
Haruka dropped her school bag and flung her arms around her friend, trying to calm the violent shaking. Her own eyes were filled with tears, and her sob-filled voice repeated empty promises that everything was going to be okay.
***
25th March 2004
Dear rapist,
When I turned fourteen our teachers gave a brief talk. Sex was something between people in love, reserved for married life.
Some of the boys boasted about conquests that never happened, describing things I knew were wrong. A little boy’s penis would never be that big, and if it had been, the girl would only be in pain.
Hiko-kun was ridiculed because he didn’t make up any conquests. He seemed shy, honest. I think I liked him. I wanted to show him that.
We went behind the bushes in the park after school.
“You wanted to tell me something, Yuri-san?”
I smiled and kissed him. I wasn’t sure what to do with my tongue so I shoved it in and out of his mouth a few times. He didn’t like it at first, so I made it gentler and slower.
He was a sweet boy.
I straddled him like you do to Mum and rubbed against his thing, up and down. It seemed to work even through his trousers. It was coming to life and he was making moaning, gasping noises. His face kept making the strangest expressions, like he was in pain but enjoying it.
So why did he keep telling me to stop? He obviously liked it, why was he crying? Why wouldn’t he look at me after he’d screamed and gone soft again? Didn’t he like me?
He avoided me after that. He even changed to a different class.
Did I rape him?
Am I like you?
***
April 20th 1988. Tokyo, Japan.
The hospital trip had been useless. The examination was painful, the examiner judgemental, and the police that came to get Glenna’s statement never contacted them again.
Glenna’s father had distanced himself from the whole ordeal. He’d not come to the hospital, but had waited for Haruka’s parents to bring Glenna home, where he told her to clean herself up and forget about it.
“I don’t know what happened, but it’s over now. It was just bad luck, let’s not have it drag our family name through mud.”
He had only spoken about it again when she’d told him she was two months late.
“This is a disaster,” he growled, while his chopsticks picked at his rice.
Her mother stayed silent, her shaking hands scooping out Glenna’s portion of rice.
“She’ll have to marry him,” he said, standing.
“I will never-”
“You will!”
Her mother sighed, shaking her head.
“I’m sorry Glenna, but a baby changes everything. It’s you and that child which will suffer if you don’t. Think of what people will call it, how society will treat it.”
“I’ll give that bastard a job, seen as he’s unemployed. He’ll become respectable soon enough.” Her father huffed, standing up.
Glenna just stared down, her hand moving towards her stomach.
For my child.
October 10th, 1988, Tokyo, Japan.
His forceful thrusting deep inside meant he kept hitting her bulging belly, and she winced each time.
“Be careful! My baby -”
He answered by delivering a painful punch to her abdomen. Each time he thrusted into her, his fist would connect.
“Stop it!”
He groaned out his release, grinning at her panicked tears.
“I’ll make you a promise, Glenna-chan.” He heaved himself off her and collapsed on his left side of the bed. “I will never touch our child if you always obey me. Always.”
Glenna glared at his back, but turned away to stroke her stomach.
For my child.
June 13th 1998. Tokyo, Japan.
Sometimes Glena really did forget how her daughter had come to be. If only she was a strong enough mother to protect her.
“Don’t even think about it, Glenna-chan,” he growled from his hospital bed.
Glenna’s injuries from the beating were painful, but she wasn’t letting them stop her.
“What can you do?” she mocked, “they won’t let you leave here yet with your injury, and I won’t let this continue now that Yuri knows. I won’t ruin her life like that.”
“If you run, I’ll find you, I’ll drag you both back. You are my wife, and by law I’ve done nothing wrong. If you try, I’ll end our little promise. I will acknowledge our daughter. She does look beautiful like you, after all -”
“Don’t you dare touch her!”
“I will drag you back, and I will have you both. Stay, and I will leave her alone. Your choice, Glenna-chan.”
Her hand tightened into a fist.
“Now sit down, Glenna-chan. Stay by your husband’s side.”
Sometimes Glenna could forget how her daughter was conceived. But his presence would always remind her.
25th March 2004
Dear rapist,
Did you know a lot of adult movies have a rape plot? It’s true, our humble Japanese society has twisted views of pleasant sex for women.
I stole it from the video store. After what happened with Hiko-kun I wanted to know what type of actions men like in sex.
The woman got drunk, the man took advantage. She was too drunk to say no and he was too horny to be considerate.
If that’s what it should be like, I never want to be with someone.
And I will never get drunk.
***
August 30th 2003. Tokyo, Japan.
Glenna was sat at the kotatsu, reading. Yuri couldn’t translate the title, except ‘The’. She had never been good at English.
Yuri didn’t say anything, choosing to stay in the doorway with the door half-open, peering in. It was a rare sight to see her mother so peaceful.
The sound of the door sliding the rest of the way open made Glenna look up, smiling. Another rare sight.
“Welcome home,” Glenna said.
Yuri sat down beside her, a comfortable silence between them. She emptied her school bag, placing her books in one pile.
“What are you reading?” Yuri asked.
“An American book. It’s called The Color Purple.”
“What’s it about?”
“A woman who was raped by her father, and then forced to marry a man she didn’t know. But it ends well.”
“How?”
“She decides she’s a lesbian and leaves him.”
They looked at each other and laughed.
“No men? Why didn’t we think of that!” Yuri laughed.
“What’s this?” Glenna picked up a sheet from Yuri’s school pile. “Application for Murasakino High School? Isn’t that in Kyoto?”
“Yes, I want us to move there.”
“I’m not sure he -”
“Not him, just us!”
“It wouldn’t work, he’d find us.”
“Then we should report him.”
“The police won’t do anything. We’re married, he can do anything he wants.”
“I’ll apply anyway. Just in case.”
Glenna smiled at that, hugging her close.
25th March 2004
Dear rapist,
I sometimes wonder what kind of person Mum was before you changed her life. I know she likes reading in English, perhaps she wanted to visit England or America? Did she have a secret dream to be a translator?
I want to know these things. I want to give Mum the chance to be herself again.
In case you do not know, a legislation was made, allowing women to seek restraining orders against husbands who inflict sexual abuse. Aunt Haruka worked hard to make it possible. By the time you read this letter, we will be gone. You can come find us, but we will never come back. We have Aunt Haruka protecting us, my grandparents, Miko-san and Sorata-san, and the changing attitude in our society. People won’t stand by and do nothing. The laws will change, so you can’t hurt us anymore.
No longer your daughter,
Yuri.
Scribbled Thoughts 