Nest of Birds
“I love you. No matter what they tell you, or where you end up, remember that.” Whose were the words Mum told me the day I was taken from her. For a decade I had been Leah Renning. For three years before my name was Elizabeth Sampson, or at least that’s what I’d been told after being taken from Mum.
“Elizabeth Sampson,” I clicked my tongue. It didn’t sound right.
“You can be called Leah Sampson if you want,” Susan said. She was a decent enough person, and a good psychologist. She had a professional ponytail which kept her dark hair off her face. Her eyes were a startling green.
Susan Griff’s office was small, located towards the back of the group home’s building. The desk, which Susan positioned herself behind, had a Mr. Happy model sat in the right corner, smiling in Leah’s direction. A small spider plant was on the window sill, its leaves drooping. Children’s drawings were pinned to a pale yellow wall, each addressed to Suzie with ‘thank you’ written on the coloured card. I struggled with a beanie chair set out in front of the desk, trying to find a relaxing position in which to sit.
“Tell me what happened,” I said, looking at the blue, faded carpet.
Susan nodded. Paper rustled as she skimmed through my file.
“Your real mother is Meredith Sampson, who’s a primary school teacher. You have an older brother, Robin, and a younger sister called Donna.”
“What about my dad?” I asked.
“I’m sorry, Leah. Gregory Sampson passed away four years ago. A car accident.”
My father is dead. I felt nothing. I was completely detached.
“How did Mum take me?”
Susan hesitated, pulling out a piece of paper from the file.
“This is the report your brother Robin Sampson dictated, would you like to read it?” She walked around her desk, holding out the thin piece of paper. I reached out and took it.
I’ve been ten for a whole week. Dad said big boys with double digits had to be more responsible. Yesterday, Mum fell asleep in the middle of the day, she was so tired. Lizzy wanted to play outside, so I took her to the park on my own. It was fun, she really liked the see-saw. Then I saw Darren from school, he said I couldn’t go on the big slide, I’d be too scared. I told Lizzy to stay by the see-saw and watch me go down. She was there when I was at the top. When I got down she had gone. We searched for her, but she was gone. I asked Darren to go tell Mum while I kept looking, but even Mum couldn’t find her.
It tried to imagine the little boy he was, losing me and failing as a responsible big brother.
“Do you feel ready to meet your family, Leah?” Susan asked.
“What about Mum? When’s her trial?”
“Not for a while. They need to uncover her real name and past, then call forth witnesses.”
Real name. Of course, she must have changed everything when she took me. I had never met any of her family. We had moved around so often I had never tried making any lasting friends.
“I guess I better meet that family,” I sighed.
***
I peered around the doorway of Susan’s office, seeing the family gathered inside. Meredith Sampson was forty-two, eight years older than Mum. She had wrinkles around her mouth and eyes, and her shoulders seemed too heavy for her petite body. Her hair was a dark blonde, just like my natural colour, loose down to her mid-back. Mum had always dyed my hair a dark red to match her own colour, staining it that way. The roots were now revealing my natural blonde colour.
Meredith had my brown eyes. They all did.
Meredith was standing just in front of the small desk, talking with Susan. Her black suit top and knee-length skirt similar to the psychologist’s, with black high heels made me feel unbalanced. She used hand gestures to emphasise her words, but only with one hand. The other held on to daughter.
Donna’s hair was still a baby blonde, a little shorter than mine, cut in a bob. Her hair was straight and tidy, her fringe held back by two pink, sparkly clips. She wore a pink fairy dress, pink tights and shoes. In her free hand she gripped a silver wand that had a star shape welded on its end. She was swishing it through the air, her eyes fixed on the star’s movements.
Robin was crouched in the corner, his posture huddled so his back was pushed away from the wall. He was looking at me, eyes straining upwards. His brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail. His eyebrows were thick, as though trying to hide his eyes. He was the only one dressed in casual clothes; a pair of faded jeans and a plain black t-shirt. He gave me a shy smile. I nodded at him, took a deep breath and stepped into the room.
Meredith stopped talking. Her eyes met mine, her gaze so intense I wanted to look away. She moved first, reaching me in four steps and lifting a trembling finger to my cheek. The shaky touch made my skin tingle.
“My baby.”
Her arms grabbed mine, she pulled me forwards so that our bodies collided. I remained stiff, arms straight at my side, eyes focused on the room beyond her.
“Mum, you’re making her uncomfortable,” Robin said, watching Meredith’s back. Meredith’s arms clamped tighter around me, but her heavy shoulders straightened. She lifted her head up and I saw the tight set of her lips. Her head turned to her son, I couldn’t see her expression. Robin held up his hands in a gesture of surrender.
“I know you’ve waited a long time for this,” Susan broke in, “but you need to move at Leah’s pace.”
Meredith’s grip tightened again, almost breaking the skin of my upper arm. She sighed, unclenched her hands from around me and stepped back. Donna immediately ran forwards and grabbed Meredith’s arm, a frown scrunching up her face.
“I guess she won’t be coming home today then,” Meredith said, looking at the floor. Donna looked at her, then turned to me, flicking her wand up and down in my direction.
“Let’s just take it slow,” Susan suggested.
I had a feeling it wouldn’t be slow enough.
***
“You’ll be sharing a room with Donna,” Meredith said. “We bought you some new things, I hope you like them.”
I looked around the room and hated how pink everything was. I should have expected it, after seeing Donna in the fairy costume a month before. The walls were decorated with pictures of fairies. The only consolation was the lilac covers on my new bed, but even that was closer to pink than I liked. I picked up a yellow teddy from the pillow, noticing the words ‘Press me’ on the stomach. A cheerful “Hug me!” escaped its belly. I dropped it on the floor.
Both Meredith and Donna were watching me.
“It’s a lot bigger than my old room,” I tried. Meredith seemed to accept this.
“I noticed you wore boyish clothes at the group home and realised the matron must have given you them. I’ve bought a wider selection for you.”
I winced at the bright skirts and tops she began to pull out of the wardrobe.
“The matron didn’t give me them, they were my own clothes I’d brought with me,” I explained. Meredith sighed and re-folded the clothes.
“I like them,” Donna insisted. “Can I have them?”
“They’re too big for you, sweetie,” Meredith said. She sounded tired. I suddenly felt guilty. But I wouldn’t apologise. I had done nothing wrong. I chewed my nails, watching Meredith put the clothes away.
“You shouldn’t do that,” Donna smirked. “Mummy says it’s not lady-like.”
I shrugged and kept on chewing.
“Perhaps these would be better?” Meredith asked, holding up more clothes. I removed my fingers from my mouth. These ones I liked: denim trousers, long skirts, dark coloured shirts and tops that matched my hair. I admired a pair of denim dungarees, feeling the fabric with my fingers. Meredith smiled, handing me a white t-shirt that would go underneath the denim bib.
“You like them?” Her smile was the first cheerful one I’d seen in the house. I was reluctant to be impressed, but I couldn’t lie to that smile.
“Yes, thanks Meredith.”
***
It wasn’t until later that day I managed to get some time alone. Meredith was reading Donna a bedtime story in our room. I was in the kitchen getting a glass of water when Robin came home. He was so quiet I wouldn’t have heard him creep into the hall if the kitchen hadn’t been so close to the front door.
“You work pretty late,” I said as he passed by the kitchen entrance. He did a double take and stopped.
“Yeah, I’m a shop clerk and have the twelve hour shifts on weekends. Nine till nine. How’s your first day been?”
“Not too bad, a bit weird.”
“It must be. I can’t imagine what it would be like, having strangers claiming you as family.” Robin moved out of the doorway. I gritted my teeth, annoyed he’d just leave in the middle of the conversation. I left my glass of water on the worktop and followed him. He walked straight into his room, the only bedroom on ground level. He didn’t seem to mind when I invited myself in.
His room was blue and plain; the tidiest in the house. The only messy thing was the desk. Newspaper was laid over the surface; a bowl of milky water to the left; small white figures in the centre and some strange flaky paper to the right. I touched the paper, feeling how smooth it was.
“It’s mod-rock. You wet it and use it to make models. A bit like paper maché but smoother, better.”
I picked up one of the figures, an eagle with its wings spread out. It looked ready to fly away. The others were birds too: a raven, starling, magpie and robin.
“Why don’t you go to university if you have this type of talent?”
Robin shrugged, sitting down on his bed. “I want to stay close by.”
“These are pretty random birds to be together,” I said, staring at the eagle.
“They need a reason to stay with each other.”
Like a nest, I thought.
***
“I don’t see why you have to dye it,” Meredith grumbled, “It can’t be good for your hair.”
The warm spray of water kept me relaxed and calm, despite Meredith’s complaining. Her hands brushed through my hair, caressing my scalp. The action was so familiar from when Mum – Tori – did it every six weeks.
“This is the last time. I can’t leave it red if I’m letting my natural colour grow back, it would look awful.”
Meredith carefully wrapped an old towel around my neck. I heard a rustling sound as she struggled to put the plastic gloves on.
“Shouldn’t you be dying it blonde then?” She asked.
“My roots are pretty dark, so brown will work. Besides, I want a change.”
There was a pause, then Meredith squirted the dye onto my head. Due to her inexperience, it took ten minutes to cover my hair in the paste.
“Now we wait twenty minutes?” She asked, pulling off the stained gloves and reaching for the instructions.
“Yeah, I’ll be in Robin’s room. I’ve collected enough twigs and bark to start making the nest now.”
Meredith just nodded, still reading the instructions. I left the bathroom, heading across the hall into my room to grab the bag of twigs from under my bed. I’d filled the plastic carrier bag over the course of a few weeks while walking home from school.
“What’s that smell?” Donna complained, wrinkling her nose at me.
“Hair dye.” I caught a glimpse of her interested face before leaving the room and heading down the stairs. It was a bank holiday, a rare opportunity to see Robin during the day. Bank holiday meant double pay, so all the other employees wanted to work that day. He looked up when I walked into his room and sat on the floor. He’d been painting the starling. I noticed the eagle was still white.
“I have enough twigs now,” I said, holding up the bag. “Do you have any glue I can stick them together with?”
“Put some newspaper down first,” he said, opening a drawer. I rolled my eyes at his command, as he handed me a bottle of PVA glue.
“Wouldn’t superglue be better?” I asked.
“Not if you stick your fingers together.”
I laughed and he looked up in surprise.
“You’re always so responsible.”
Robin flinched, looking away. “I never expected those words from you, considering.”
I remembered those words: Dad said big boys with double digits had to be more responsible.
Part of me felt I should hate him. Yet, without him, I would never have met Tori. “But you were only a kid.”
“That doesn’t matter. I left you, my own little sister. Because of that you’ll never know Dad. Also, Donna can’t connect to you and Mum missed you growing up. How can anyone fix that?”
I stared at the back of his head, feeling annoyed and frustrated. Was it because of Tori he was like this? But how could I ever think badly of her; she was my mother.
I continued to glue the nest together.
***
“You’ve finished it already?” Meredith asked. The liquid screams of the children playing out in the garden poured through the kitchen window. Donna’s seventh birthday had fallen on a Friday. Meredith had brought ten of Donna’s school friends to the house for a party.
“Yeah, all I had to do was stick a bunch of twigs together. Robin did the birds. They’re on his desk.”
“Robin has always kept to himself since-” Meredith paused. “Well, I’m glad you two get along.”
I smiled and continued putting two flying saucer sweets into each party bag.
“Do you think you’re getting used to us now?” Meredith whispered.
“It’s still a little strange sometimes, and I miss m…Tori, but I do like you.”
She nodded. There was a knock on the front door; Meredith paused in her task of cutting the cake.
“Here to collect their offspring,” she said, striding out of the kitchen. As soon as the first parent entered the kitchen the children began to flock around the party bags.
“Look, Leah!” Donna beamed, “I won pass-the-parcel!” She held up a hair accessory set. “Can I do your hair?”
“Yeah,” I said, surprised. Donna had never asked me to play with her before, but I’d noticed her obsession with my hair since I’d dyed it brown. “Let’s go somewhere else.”
Twenty minutes later Meredith found us in the living room. Donna’s hair was braided in three places.
“You’re good at this,” Donna complimented.
“Tori was a hairdresser.”
“There’s some leftover party bags,” Meredith broke in. “Want one?”
I nodded, taking one. I was reaching into it for a fizzy cola bottle when I felt a strange, painful flip in my stomach. Something flowed into my knickers. I groaned.
“Leah, what’s wrong?” Meredith asked, one of her hands stroking Donna’s braids.
“I don’t know. I think I need the toilet,” I said.
I had to climb the stairs to get to the bathroom. I was glad Meredith had been distracted by Donna. It would be too embarrassing if I’d wet myself. I felt another pang in my stomach. I reached the bathroom. I closed the door, unfastened my trousers and pulled down my pants. There wasn’t much there, just some dark red gunge. My white knickers had a spot of blood staining the centre. I sat down on the toilet and with shaking hands grabbed some toilet paper to wipe away the red slime.
“Leah, are you alright?” Meredith tapped on the door. Part of me wanted her to go away, but another part wanted someone to take over.
“I think I just started my period.”
“Oh!” Meredith opened the door and rushing into the bathroom. Donna was following her. I stood and yanked my trousers back up. “How are you feeling? Do you need a painkiller?”
“What’s a period?” Donna asked.
“It means Leah is a grown-up now,” Meredith said. She stretched out her arms towards me, then stopped herself. “Come on, I have everything in my room.”
“I want to come too.”
“Not now, this is for grown-ups only. Play with Robin for a while,” Meredith took my hand and guided me out of the bathroom.
“But it’s my birthday!” Donna wailed.
***
I was in a park, the park, the letter still clutched in my hand. Painful cramps gripped my stomach. I plonked down on the vacant see-saw, the mid-day sun blazing down on me.
I glanced back at the letter.
I had woken up at nine-thirty. Donna’s bed had already been made. I went into Robin’s room, to check on the birds. Donna was on the bedroom floor. Bits of twigs were strewn over the carpet, some even on the tidy bed. Clumps of mod-rock birds had been thrown against the wall, their broken corpses revealing their white centres.
“Leah, have you -” Meredith stopped, peering into the room. I didn’t bother listening to her shouting at Donna. Instead I went to get breakfast. I was eating cheerios when Meredith came to the kitchen, handing me the letter. I had opened it, read it, and ran.
The see-saw’s seat was hard and uncomfortable, making my backside numb. I was facing the park’s entrance, able to see the road beyond it. A little boy entered through the park’s small gate, pulling on his father’s sleeve to drag him to the swing-set on my left. I read the letter again, picking up only a few words: Trial, witness, testimony through video link. There was a name I didn’t recognise, with ‘also known as Tori Renning’ written in brackets. I hadn’t even known my mother’s real name.
“Leah!” I looked up and saw Meredith running to me. “Are you okay?”
“Why?” I whispered.
“What is it, sweetie?” she asked, kneeling down next to me. “Is it about the birds?”
“Why!” I screamed, lunging at her, trapping her in a desperate hug. “Why did she take me if she was just going to leave?” I choked, tears burning my face. My sobs were so heavy. “Why did she take me from my family if I would one day go back?”
“Shh,” Meredith soothed, stroking my head.
“Why can’t I hate her! After all this, why do I love her so much?”
The little boy was watching me, climbing out of the swing and running past us. For a moment I thought he would come towards us, but he heading for the big slide behind us.
I was exhausted when we reached home. My eyes were sore, my body ached and I felt drained. I was trapped here with this family, whether I liked it or not.
Donna was still in Robin’s room. The pieces of birds and nests were gathered together in the middle of the room, where she’d tried to force them back together. As I entered she looked up, her eyes wet.
“I know you didn’t ask for this,” I said, picking up the eagle with no wings. I placed it in the nest with the others. “But we have to get used to each other.”
Donna nodded.
Scribbled Thoughts 