Scribbled Thoughts

22:41

Silver band absent

on a day of a much

larger absence.

Forgotten in the haste

and fog of becoming

presentable to say goodbye.

No one else comments

but the naked finger

screams to me over and over,

creating doubt and fear

of the permanent state

I witness at this

service of endings.

Perhaps another

one is waiting,

one more personal

to me.

22:40

Cobwebs of neglected kindness,

forgotten with all-consuming grief.

Offerings for the wild, now empty

as the tamed experience loss and pain.

Clean is for the happy,

sharing for the secure,

but it was weeks ago her

world was pulled away,

and she can

never get it back.

I was at the funeral of my husband’s grandfather. It was an odd experience because I’d only met him a few times and was witnessing everyone else’s pain rather than feeling it myself. So the next few poems are about what I observed/felt during that.

22:39

Scramble to replace scuffed shoes

that fails in emptiness.

Turn around the bag

so its blank, respectful

for the day of mourning,

where personality is not allowed.

22:38

Liquid comfort or liquid coffin

surrounds me as I emerge

in a world I abandoned

a lifetime ago.

Memories of threats

that were never real

splash at determination

and long to sink

my ambition.

Quickened breathing

longs to stop

and admit defeat,

but desperate legs

pump within the confines

and slowly crawl forward

until, eventually,

fear is forgotten.

22:37

Activate my motivation

through motion and guilt.

Extract a monthly fee

so I will return,

booking, attending,

sweating away my idleness,

until an itch for more

grows and grows.

Swipe my member card,

check my name,

fill my diary with plans

so I can smile

and prove to others,

to myself,

that I am not lazy.