Scribbled Thoughts

Drain my resolve

with heat and snot.

It’s gone.

Film my mistakes

I never usually make,

pressure revealing them,

attention causing clumsy fingers

and self-doubt.

Count the seconds

and breathe out

when the button is pressed,

when you can be

yourself again.

Peace in movement,

constant need

overlapping any doubt.

There’s no time to think,

no time to question,

just the certainty

of the next task

waiting for attention

until the clock

sets you free.

Protective distance

to spare others from myself,

so no hurt falls on them

because I exist.

They can forget

and carry on,

untouched by sorrow,

untouched by me.

The chaos begins

but you are prepared,

aching ignored

as reserves are replaced

and smile stays fixed.

A two years reunion

settles content into bones,

halting the doubt,

even if just for one day.

Grow until invasive,

too big to hide,

too loud to ignore,

the only option to shrink

in pain

into shadows

and pray it will heal

so the world

will stop staring.

Progress through the levels

while her energy builds,

hoping you’ll reach the end

before she peaks

and releases her need

for adventure.

Placed in the wrong order

you remain invisible

no matter how often

eyes skim over,

you are unexpected

and therefore unnoticed,

until you rearrange yourself

into what they

want you to be.

Temperature reduced

and all the prep is gone,

so everything is behind

on the day you needed it ready.

Deep breath,

rearrange,

and realise the time is still

the same,

it’s now just in a

different order.