Scribbled Thoughts

Protective distance

to spare others from myself,

so no hurt falls on them

because I exist.

They can forget

and carry on,

untouched by sorrow,

untouched by me.

The chaos begins

but you are prepared,

aching ignored

as reserves are replaced

and smile stays fixed.

A two years reunion

settles content into bones,

halting the doubt,

even if just for one day.

Grow until invasive,

too big to hide,

too loud to ignore,

the only option to shrink

in pain

into shadows

and pray it will heal

so the world

will stop staring.

Progress through the levels

while her energy builds,

hoping you’ll reach the end

before she peaks

and releases her need

for adventure.

Placed in the wrong order

you remain invisible

no matter how often

eyes skim over,

you are unexpected

and therefore unnoticed,

until you rearrange yourself

into what they

want you to be.

Temperature reduced

and all the prep is gone,

so everything is behind

on the day you needed it ready.

Deep breath,

rearrange,

and realise the time is still

the same,

it’s now just in a

different order.

There is no other shoe

but you will wait forever,

barely breathing,

for the thud

that will end your torture,

not knowing

it does not exist.

It never existed.

Block out the trauma

and rearrange your memories,

smile at the grieving

because they are wrong.

Nothing has died,

everything is fine,

it’s the only way

you can keep moving.

Disengage your emotions

to listen to others

and pretend it’s what you want

while inside you scream

and cry

and pray for everything

to forget self-interest

so you can slither away

and bask in empty.